Major Frank Burns
Major Franklin Delano Marion Burns (A.K.A. "Ferret Face") was ranking surgeon and second-in-command at the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. Early on in the series he had an ongoing affair with Major Margaret Houlihan which was a poorly-kept secret throughout the Army, though the two were convinced that nobody else was aware. His character was portrayed by Robert Duvall in the 1970 film and Larry Linville during the first five seasons of the TV series. Although he and Margaret were both firm believers in military discipline and regularly espouse Army regulations to everyone around them, Burns, unlike Margaret, was portrayed as inept, and at times even clueless at his job. His ineptitude earned him the nickname "Ferret Face," which was given to him by his brother and first used by Trapper John in season 1. About Frank A native of Fort Wayne, Indiana, Frank Burns was born June 13 (this is debatable, because in the Season 2 episode "For Want of a Boot", his birthday party takes place in the winter), although the year he was born is not revealed. In one'' M*A*S*H'' episode, Burns claims he was in practice for 12 years. By his own admission Burns flunked out of medical school twice before finally graduating, but then only because he paid money for the answers to the exam. In one episode he claims to have studied 7 years before graduating Soldier of the Month. Burns often fancied himself a superior surgeon, but his actions invariably revealed his ineptitude; on many occasions a patient of his has been spared death only because of a second glance by one of the other surgeons-or at least by action by another surgeon, but as such, in order to maintain their stellar 98% survival rate, Burns was often relegated to lesser cases- to wit, patients that did not have life-threatening injuries. Even so, Burns was still prone to making bad calls which did not sit well with the rest of the doctors. For example, in the film version when Burns unjustly accused an corpsman of killing his patient, Trapper later punches him in retribution. In the series, Burns decided on a whim to cut a kidney from a patient until Trapper notices in the X-Ray that the patient only had one kidney left. Burns himself admits he failed at being a practical nurse when he couldn't fold hospital bedsheets and that the local funeral director sends him thank-you cards every Christmas. Even with his numerous surgical shortcomings, Burns still considered himself better than the others largely because of his own affluent practice back home as the other surgeons were making paltry incomes while still sharpening their skills. Burns often bragged about his numerous material possessions, and once claimed to Margaret that he couldn't marry her because he couldn't afford both a new wife and an ex-wife, although the real reason he refused to divorce his wife was because the house and stocks were in her name. To maintain his livelihood back home, he went to great lengths to prevent word about his affair with Margaret getting to the wrong people; to this end he destroyed every love note that Margaret ever wrote to him. When Margaret tells Frank that she saved everything he ever wrote to her, he panics inwardly; one night while she was on duty in Post-Op, Frank sneaks into her quarters to find his notes and dispose of them, but in the futile process he winds up completely trashing her tent (This was a continuity error; in a earlier episode Hot Lips and Empty Arms (TV series episode) Houlihan returned all of Burns Love notes to him). Frank's attempts to keep his ongoing tryst with Margaret a secret ultimately fail when his wife Louise writes him demanding a divorce after she gets word of his affair from another soldier. Frank is able to call home from Colonel Potter's office and successfully begs Louise to call off the divorce claiming that Margaret was just a "war horse" and an "army mule" who meant nothing to him. Frank is satisfied with himself until he gets a chair thrown at him by Margaret, who heard the whole conversation on Radar's phone. But Margaret was not Frank's first affair. Once, under delirium, he admitted to hooking up with his housekeeper, and in "The Novacaine Mutiny" Hawkeye brings up the fact that Burns has an ongoing affair with his receptionist twice a week at a hotel. Besides Margaret, Burns tries to hit on two other nurses: once when he was drunk he danced with Nurse Kellye, and then after Margaret's engagement claimed that he had his eye on a little red haired nurse than Margaret of course. Despite his own affairs, Burns' hypocrisy led to paranoid measures; he actually hired a private detective to spy on his wife to see if she was cheating, and then hired a second private detective to watch the first detective to be sure she wasn't cheating with him. Once the MASH 4077 doctors got a good laugh at Burns' expense when they saw a home movie of his wedding. Even then, Burns was so inept he couldn't even hold a knife correctly to cut his own wedding cake, causing Hawkeye to quip "Watch the cake die of malpractice!" There Is Nothing Like a Nurse (TV series episode) Burns had a penchant for malaprops, for saying things that were twisted around onto themselves, for letting information slip that was not meant to be revealed, or for making statements that simply made no sense at all. Examples include, but are not limited to: * "I believe that marriage is the headstone of American society." * "Individuality is fine, as long as we all do it together." * "Anybody who needs psychiatry is sick in the head." * "Courage is something you just can't be afraid to have." * "I'm only paranoid because everyone is against me!" * "Major Houlihan and I are intimate with each other at all times." * "I've always felt people volunteer better by force." * "Beats me how some people treat this war as some kind of picnic, when it's really an honor to be able to serve in the Army. Of course we're not here on our own, we're here with the United Nations, which I personally have nothing against except that it's full of foreigners, which is what did in your League of Nations, y'know?" * "Unless we each conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free." * "It's nice to be nice to the nice." Burns was known his love of money; Hawkeye once observed Burns' incorrigible greed saying that he "married for money" and "became a doctor for money", and then quipped that "if there was money in dying he'd throw himself under a truck in a minute". In Major Fred C. Dobbs, Burns cancels his and Margaret's transfer requests when he heard that there were large amounts of gold to be discovered nearby, but it was later revealed that this was only a prank orchestrated by Hawkeye and Trapper. In another episode, Out of Sight, Out of Mind (TV series episode), Burns cheated on Baseball bets with the MASH 4077 personnel after he already knew the game's outcome. Hawkeye, B.J. and the others turned the tables on Burns by broadcasting a fake baseball game and Burns got stuck having to pay off his bets; in another episode, Burns illegally bought a priceless Korean vase for $25.00 and tried to smuggle it back home, but Hawkeye and B.J. switched the vase for a bedpan. Despite his affluence, Burns cheats on his Income Tax by presenting fake statements of income and also has a lucrative prescription kickback racket, along with an expensive house, two cars and a yacht. Burns, with Margaret's support, longed to oust Colonel Blake and take over command of the 4077th, often going to extensive and underhanded measures to achieve this end, mostly through letters of complaint about Blake to Army brass. But every attempt, no matter how devious, ultimately failed. The most prominent example was during The Trial of Henry Blake, in which Burns and Margaret brought formal charges of treason against Blake for giving aid and comfort to the enemy. Hawkeye and Trapper knew the truth and were ready to testify in Blake's defense, but Burns had them placed under house arrest until Radar and Klinger helped them to escape. The truth was that Blake had donated medical supplies to a North Korean clinic run by American nurse Meg Cratty, who also testified in Blake's defense at the hearing. The presiding officer was ready to dismiss the case, but Burns refused to drop the charges until Hawkeye and Trapper threatened to tell his wife about Margaret, at which point Burns abruptly changed his mind. After Blake was discharged, Burns assumed command of the camp until word came down from I Corps that the 4077th was to get a new commander (in the person of Col. Potter). Deeply upset at being passed over, Burns went off by himself to sulk. Though Potter soon endeared himself to everyone else in the camp including even Margaret, Burns remained resentful and often insulted Potter behind his back (and sometimes unintentionally right to his face); his attitude earned him the nickname "Head Twerp" from Potter. Burns' inability as a surgeon was matched only by his inutility as a soldier; in his younger years he was a Scoutmaster until he accidentally set himself on fire. His clumsiness also carries over to firearms: one example, while he was cocking a gun he was admonished by Hawkeye to be careful; Burns answered "I can handle a firearm with the best of 'em," and immediately shot out the light in the Swamp. Worse yet, he accidentally shot B.J Hunnicutt in the leg while cleaning his pistol and then later shot himself in the leg 'twice '''while returning a general's stolen pearl-handled pistol to a gun bin (a pistol that he himself stole, though Radar was blamed.) In both cases The wounds however were just scratches. Burns is twice awarded the Purple Heart citation: one for throwing his back out while dancing with Margaret, and the other for getting an shell fragment in his eye (an '''egg-'''shell fragment). Both times he doesn't keep the main medal; one went to a hospitalized soldier whom Hawkeye exposed and ordered sent home for being underage, the other to a Korean newborn baby whose mother was wounded just before birth. Burns' physical prowess leaves much to be desired. Aside from his own medical issues, he has been punched out by Hawkeye, Trapper, Klinger, Zale, and more than once by Margaret. His official duties include: Sanitary inspection officer kitchen; garbage detail officer; latrine detail officer; food procurement officer, and physical fitness instructor. He also gave boring, pointless lectures to the enlisted personnel every Friday on why the War is being fought. Burns was once described by Larry Linville, who played him on TV, as a man with "a mind that had stripped its gears". Burns was given to emotionally unstable and childish outbursts, especially when he didn't get his own way. Examples include when Blake selected Hawkeye as Chief Surgeon instead of him, and also after learning that he was to be replaced as camp commander by Colonel Potter. After finding out that Margaret had gotten engaged to Donald Penobscott while on R&R, Burns very nearly went crazy and decided to fashion himself as a commando-type hero and nearly blew himself up with a hand grenade. After he rounded up a Korean family and brought them back to camp as prisoners, Potter remarked that Burns was "heading for a Section Eight". Radar saved Burns when he put a call to through to Burns' mother, during which he revealed that his "friend" (Margaret) pretended to like him in the same way that his father pretended to like him. Margaret's Engagement (TV series episode) There were times when Burns shows humanity, but these are few and far between. Examples include, but are not limited to: * When Hawkeye reopens a patient who developed serious complications after surgery. When he finds the culprit, a tiny piece of shrapnel lodged beneath the patient's sigmoid colon, Burns admitted "anybody could have missed that". * After the orphan boy Kim wanders into a minefield Burns is concerned over Kim's safety, even though it was his and Margaret's carelessness that allowed the child to wander off in the first place. * Colonel Flagg attempted to use Frank's (and Margaret's) pedanticism to get them to help him in one of his outrageous schemes. Frank and Margaret were initially compliant, but eventually reconsidered once they realized how far Flagg was willing to go for the sake of his own agenda. Relationship with others Frank was disliked by everyone else in the camp, including eventually Margaret after she became engaged to Col. Penobscott. Burns was known for his intolerant and callous nature. (His replacement, Major Winchester, displayed similar qualities, but unlike Burns, Winchester was inwardly fair-minded, kind-hearted and generous, not to mention an excellent surgeon). During the few times he commanded the 4077th, Burns micromanaged camp operations, and often barked out orders in contradiction to other people's actions just for the sake of asserting his command. One example of this was in Welcome To Korea, when Burns asks Radar if he brushes his teeth. When Radar replies he always does right after breakfast, Burns replies "I want it done before!". Burns was often dismissive of the other officers and was very condescending and at times downright abusive to the enlisted personnel, especially Radar, whom he derisively nicknamed "pipsqueak" and "runt"; one time he told Radar to keep out of the conversation "unless there's a call for Philip Morris", which naturally offended Radar. There was also no love lost between Burns and the Korean locals. Burns had a twisted sense of logic, constantly referring to the Koreans as "foreigners", completely ignoring the fact that being in Korea he himself was the foreigner. Burns was often the first to accuse locals of theft whenever something of his turned up missing, and often made it a point to admonish the others in camp when they would give or loan money or goods to the locals; in Burns' defense it should be pointed out that some of his accusations did turn out to be correct. Frank was not above manipulation or thoughts of conspiracy. He once goaded Klinger and his nemesis Sgt. Zelmo Zale into a boxing match so that he could step in and stop the fight once Potter got involved, making it look like he was doing a good deed (and impress Margaret). When Hawkeye and B.J. learned of Frank's scheme and told Klinger and Zale, all Frank got for his troubles was a knockout punch to the face by both Klinger and Zale at the same time. Burns later tried to bring up both Klinger and Zale up on charges only to learn he himself could face charges for promoting a fight. Despite his bullying and gung-ho patriotism, Burns' true colors showed through when the real pressure was on; under enemy fire or faced with a deluge of wounded, Burns was a panicky coward. Final ''M*A*S*H appearance Citing his belief that there was little left that could be done with his character except for brief moments of comic relief, Larry Linville decided to leave the series at the end of the fifth season. When the writers scrambled to replace Frank Burns, they decided on a different kind of character. In the season 6 episodes "Fade Out, Fade In: Part I" and "Fade Out, Fade In: Part II" , David Ogden Stiers was added to the cast as Major Charles Emerson Winchester III, an aristocratic Bostonian who, unlike Burns, was an excellent surgeon. Burns is crushed when he finds out that Margaret has become engaged to Lieutenant Colonel Donald Penobscott; further exacerbating his hurt feelings was Margaret's incessant praise of her new fiancée in Frank's presence, which for once caused Hawkeye to actually feel sorry for Frank. After the newlyweds take off for Tokyo on their honeymoon, Burns has a nervous breakdown, goes AWOL, gets drunk in Seoul and attempts to romance several different women he believes to be Margaret, finally being caught by MPs when he accosts a general and his wife in a steam bath. To Hawkeye and the others' delight, Burns is permanently sent stateside for psychiatric evaluation, but then to their frustration, all charges were dropped and Burns is promoted to Lieutenant Colonel and put in charge of a veterans hospital in Fort Wayne. Research notes/Fun facts *During the first five seasons, Frank is absent from the episodes "The Moose", "Adam's Ribs", "Hawkeye" and "The More I See You". *A commentator on Ken Levine's blog recalled how Larry Linville once dealt with criticism that the Frank Burns character was too much of a caricature and unrealistic. Linville had said that whenever he met with groups of veterans who were fans of M*A*S*H, he would ask them which character they thought was the most realistic. Invariably, the veterans would choose Frank Burns, because they also had that "SOB" in their outfits.Pat Reeder, October 20, 2007 (10:31 a.m.), comment on Ken Levine, “Charles Emerson Winchester,” The World as Seen by a TV Comedy Writer ... by Ken Levine (blog), October 18, 2007, (8:22 p.m.), URL. *Examples of Burns' incompetence include: Two patients almost had strokes due to Burns' bungling of their pre-op Novocaine Mutiny; in another episode, two patients nearly died because Burns had the patients given too much fluid before it was known the problem was caused by kidney disease Soldier Of The Month (TV series episode); Hawkeye claims his feud with Burns began when he remarked Burns created more widows and pallbearers than salmonella poisoning; Trapper John sneered Burns couldn't cut a salami without bungling it; and B.J claimed in a letter home that Hawkeye remarked Burns became a doctor only after washing out of embalming school. *In Episode 8 of season 2, "The Trial of Henry Blake", Frank says that his family came to America in 1927. Since the Korean War ran from 1950-1953 and Frank appeared to be much older than 26 at the time, it would suggest that he himself was an immigrant. *In Rainbow Bridge (TV series episode) Frank stupidly bringing a gun to the exchange results in the M*A*S*H doctors almost being shot and killed. *Note: In Fade Out, Fade In The version of the charges being dropped, being promoted is Frank Burns own story to Hawkeye, but in The Novocaine Mutiny (TV series episode), which shows Frank is not above twisting the truth to make himself look good, it is within the realm of probability that these are just Frank fantasies; it remained unknown if he ever recovered from his nervous breakdown and if he and his wife divorced. References Burns, Frank Category:M*A*S*H television series characters Category:Doctors Category:1970 M*A*S*H film characters Category:M*A*S*H TV Series Main Characters